How To Be Rich : February 2013

India is no longer a land that worships the mind. More than anything else it worships the material. Even our temples have become grounds for quid pro quo where blessing is not what people seek but just riches. We are no longer happy with homes. We want to live in monuments. We want farmhouses with pools anddubious women swimming in them. We want to wear brands that we will never be able to pronounce and read books that have so many shades of grey that we may never be able to count.

We are the new India. Where collectors of art have nothing to do with the appreciation of it. Where people have become collectors of titles and friends without appreciating the value ofeither. Where it is notimportant as to who you are but how you live. Where the Nano is a symbol of poverty rather than some technological marvel. Where politicians build statues of themselves with handbags that are kept open. Where brother fires at brother only for a few more square yards of land.

We are a country that even makes materialism shine through in weddings and birthdays. In the good old days we were happy with a cake. Today’s brats need more: they need five-star hotel parties with luscious Mummies attending who’d be better off sharingTutankhamen’s tomb.

I have a quaint rule. I rarely attend weddings but do make it a point toattend funerals. At least in the latter you know the name of the person who’s just passed away. Today’s weddings are a despicable show of wealth.

We in India have overtaken the world as far as weddings are concerned. From the Versailles to Venice, there is aninfection that has spread with the

benign catering of this elegantly named Munna Maharaj. Our schools are no better. There was a time you went to school on the dint of merit. Today you go there on the dint of your father’s money: legitimate or otherwise. So, in an India like this, it doesn’t pay to be poor unless of course you are die-hard Communists but then again, Communists are hardly human.

Our parents would worry if we made unnecessary phone calls when we were young. But today, your parents want you to carry a smartphone only so that their peers can appreciate them for their savoir fare. So, in this kind of India, you must become rich and you must do that quicker than your neighbour or for that matter some ghastly relative who has been the attention of your evil eye.

So, here is a guide to becoming rich and doing so quickly at that. This is not as exhaustive a list as it should be but will serve the purpose for 2013.

1 Join politics but not for the people. Do it for the money so that youremain focused and don’t have to worry (or feel guilty) about water, sanitation and electricity. If you, in the process, can muster up an army of goons, that will only enhance both your prestige as also your bank balance. Most politicians in this country are fine examples of rags-to-riches and tearing up other people to leave them in rags. It would be best to avoid two parties however. Avoid joining the Communists or for that matter the Trinamool. Both these parties are stupidly clean and tolerate zero corruption as far as money is concerned. If you join the DMK or the AIADMK, you will see the quickest return on investment. If you however join the Congress in Bengal you may not even see Rahul Gandhi leave alone a loaf of bread. The other parties, which allow you to live and let’s be rich, are the NCP, SP, BSP and about 73 other registered parties.

2 Become a Government servant and ensure that you are never promoted where the CAG could scrutinise your activities; so it would help to rise to the level of a joint secretary or even a director in any Government department. Try working for any department that has to do with land, power, water, forests, finance, excise, alcohol, law and order and so on. It is tough at the beginning but then the longer you are in Government the swifter you lose your conscience so it is all a matter of time.

3 Start a co-operative and see how everyone else other than you loses both the plot and the monies. There are, however, fine examples of those who have been very successful with co-operatives. One became the nation’s President and the other is president of a national political party. This is the most honourable racket you can get into other than legalised gambling but since the latter is only in Delhi’s farmhouses it will be a while before you can get there.

4 Marry someone rich. This is the oldest trick in the book except it is getting refined now. There is no stigma in the male being the house-help if he can dig into his wife’s riches and equally into other men’s wives. I am seeing this remarkable trend of gender neutrality become all pervasive. Become a good solid househusband but for that you will have to work hard. You will need to work out and make sure you never utter an intelligent word which should not be difficult if all you do is pump iron. So, go forth into the world and stalk the place for unhappy single ugly but rich women and you might find that pot (literally so) of gold.

5 Become a media barren. If you look around today, editors are richer than most industrialists and they have greater power as also greater cerebral acceptance, which is a good thing. Also, the other remarkable thing that is happening in today’s India is that some media barons have become wily businessmen. The media is only their side-interest: their main interest could well be drug or gunrunning but then who cares once you are rich. So, you may well try and become a media baron by starting a magazine that no one will ever read or running a channel that even Renuka Choudhry will not appear on. But it will surely get you on some Rich List and that way you can begin the journey of conning the banks and other sundry honest folks.

6 Become a sports administrator. Look around you and you will observe the power and money that some of these sports folks command. The rule, however, is you should have never played any sport because it will be a meaningless distraction and you should be good at calculating margins on mundane things like clocks and astro-turf. Once you have done this, your life will be a merry go-around. Look at what some of our finest sports administrators have achieved? They are wealthy; they are powerful; some of them are even in the Cabinet and some have even taken the trouble of going to jail all for the cause of better sports in India. You must follow these iconic role models and change the imprint of Indian sport. Try and avoid cricket though. Never go to bed with an elephant for you never know when the pleasure will end and the pain begin.

Finally, there are other ways of getting rich too but they are neither quick nor are they unmitigated fun. You could if you really want to be Gandhian, become a teacher who doesn’t do private tuition. You could also be an honest professional in a fine company but then when you retire you will have to move to some old-age home in Benares. You could also become a lawyer or for that matter a judge but then why would you want to take the trouble of yeoman public service?

Just imagine 2013 to become your meal ticket to a life of earning without working. There is no better pleasure than that and you will always have the last laugh to the bank that one day you might in any case rob.

Have a splendid illegitimate and unworthy 2013.

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If you’re still waiting to amass your first million, you’re not alone. But is your attitude to money holding you back? The sad truth is most of us aren’t as rich as we had hoped we’d be. Nor are we well on the way to acquiring great wealth. But why?

You might put it down to the fact your job doesn’t pay enough, or that you haven’t been fortunate to come up with a once-in-a-lifetime business idea. Maybe you just forgot to buy your lottery ticket the week your numbers came up.

But could there be other reasons why you’re not a millionaire that have more to do with your approach and attitude to money?

Follow these 10 tips to set yourself on the road to wealth.

1. Live within your means

If you’re relying on borrowing through loans and credit cards to fund most of your spending, you are never going to be able to build up your wealth.

A dependency on credit means your future earnings will end up going towards debt repayment rather than adding to your own nest egg. This is the more or less the problem facing the UK economy at the moment.

If your credit-card debt is growing by 15 per cent a year – a typical rate – this means you are paying considerably more for goods and services than people who only spend the money they have.

2. Cut out wasteful habits

Where does all your money go? If you’re spending a large chunk of what you earn on alcohol and cigarettes, it could explain why your wealth isn’t growing.

In isolation, a packet of cigarettes or a lunchtime pint may not cost all that much, but they quickly add up.

Cutting these vices back – or stopping them altogether – could free up an awful lot of cash.

For example, if you give up a 20-a-day smoking habit, you’ll save almost £2,500 a year at current prices. Try our cost calculator to see how the little things add up.

3. Set budgets and targets

A lot of rich people are, unsurprisingly, very disciplined when it comes to money. So that’s what you need to be.

This means setting yourself strict, but realistic, budgets, and targets for how much money you want to save, for example.

Draw up a list with your income and outgoings on it. Are there any areas of spending – such as smoking or drinking, as mentioned above – that you could cut back on?

Are your debts costing you too much? These may need to be paid off as soon as possible, otherwise they’ll be a constant drain on your finances.

Sticking to a budget is easier said than done, of course, but if you don’t try, you won’t be able to accumulate wealth. Read our article on how to budget in 60 minutes.

4. Take control of your money

When it comes to looking after your cash, don’t rely on advice from people you know: work it out for yourself.

This could apply to getting a mortgage, choosing a bank account, or making investments. The more you rely on yourself, the more you’ll understand about how money – and growing it – works.

5. Don’t expect to get rich overnight

One simple way to lose a lot of money is to try and make a lot of money quickly.

For example, investing in “can’t fail” ventures recommended by your friends may sound like a great idea, but they are inevitably full of risk. For every one that comes off, perhaps 10 will fail, and you’ll lose all your investment.

It’s fine to use your money like this if you understand the gamble you’re taking: but for most people, it’s unlikely to be a short cut to wealth.

6. Keep it simple

Investing in anything where you don’t understand how you’ll make money is another recipe for disaster. If a financial adviser says: “Just trust me,” then just don’t.

If someone can’t explain in a couple of sentences how a money-making scheme is going to work, treat that as a warning sign.

Look at the people who invested with fraudsters like, who kept providing the returns without explaining how he was making so much money.

7. Don’t be cautious

By putting all your money in a savings account, you’re keeping it safe but missing out on the chance to get significantly higher growth.

Once you have enough spare cash to cover rainy-day emergencies (three months’ after-tax salary as a rule of thumb), consider investing in higher-risk shares or funds, for example.

8. Face up to your finances

If you’re having problems with money, burying your head in the sand isn’t going to help.

Working out how to clear debts – or even calculating how much you owe in the first place – is the first step towards sorting things out.

9. Don’t expect it to be plain sailing

One of the reasons a lot of people struggle financially is because they are hit by emergencies that cost hundreds or even thousands of pounds to put right.

That’s why you need to make sure you have proper insurance cover: this means protection against losing your job or falling ill and being unable to work.

And don’t forget the basics: decent home insurance and car insurance policies are a must.

10. Stop keeping up with the Joneses

Spending your cash on status symbols such as flash cars and iPads does not help you accumulate wealth. If you want to set yourself on the road to riches, wasting money impressing other people is probably not the way to go about it.